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Archaelogy Letter

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
- The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
- Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Dave Willens, November 1995.

Aviso para quem, no Cabeço das Pias (S.T.E.A - Torres Novas) tiver a súbita necessidade de utilizar o WC:

- NÃO SE ESQUEÇAM DO TELEMÓVEL!!! (ou então verifiquem previamente se há papel higiénico)

Foi o que aconteceu ao nosso amigo Pedro Barros (nome utilizado por imposição do próprio) quando, instado a aliviar uma necessidade inadiável, reparou (tarde demais) na falta de tão importante instrumento de higiene íntima. Desenrascado, como todos o sabemos, não desesperou pois tinha à mão o seu fiel télélé. No entanto, e após aturada procura, descobriu que o número de telefone do "Cabeço" não se encontrava na memória do seu sofisticado aparelho. Foi então assim que alguém recebeu em Lisboa um telefonema do seguinte teor: "Olá. Daqui fala Pedro Barros. Tudo bem contigo? Olha, fazes-me um favorzinho?" (resposta positiva do outro lado da linha) "Liga por favor para o Cabeço das Pias para me trazerem o papel higiénico aqui à casa de banho, tá? Obrigado". Posto isto, o telefonema para o Cabeço foi feito, recebido, e o "PH" lá foi providenciado (depois de longa tortura a pontos de o nosso personagem ter mesmo equacionado os prós e contras do uso dos dedos...).

Por ocasião da bem sucedida viagem do nosso Chico aos States, fiz uma digressão pelas internéticas páginas da Universidade em questão e vejam só o que encontrei (isto é apenas o bocadinho que nos interessa):

Anthropology Graduate Students

ALMEIDA, Francisco "Chico"

Research interests: Upper Paleolithic lithic technology; Portugal.

Degree received in May 1996 - M.A.

Isto foi antes de 14-02-2000. A partir desta data vai passar a ser assim:

ALMEIDA, Francisco "Paleolithic Chico"

Research interests: Upper Paleolithic lithic technology; Portugal.

Degree received in February 2000 - Ph.D.

Não fica muito melhor?

E-mail recebido por intermédio de ARCHPORT - mailing list de ARQUEOLOGIA:

Será que me podem dizer como é que eu posso sair da lista?
Eu peço imensa desculpa, mas está a tornar-se um pouco técnica para os
meus conhecimentos de Astronomia, e estou a ficar sem tempo para ler
tantos e-mail's.

Muito obrigado,

Pedro

Arqueolinques | Fotos | Glossário e curiosidades | "Lascas e cacos"